West Virginia Writers Write Here, Write Now Add a Line Story
Someone parked the car on the mailbox last night, but I’d swear it wasn’t me. I passed this car and saw a drunk postal clerk taking revenge on the U.S. Postal authorities. I should have just kept walking, but I decided to lend a helping hand to the authorities. That’s when things got dicey; they ended up coming after me! The can of Bud Light in my purse didn’t help my credibility when I tried to explain I was the drunk that ran over it! But since the authorities knew me by my first name from our re-occurring accounts, it did no good. I’m elected, selected, and highly protected. I must maintain my image. Are they photographing my good side? I suppose I could try sleezing up to the policeman. Maybe they’ll let me out for “good behavior.” Although my “good behavior” would still be considered bad by most; the west side in me, I guess. That’s when it started raining. My thin tee shirt got wet and the girls were standing at attention. Could this help me? It maybe could help? But I realized: would I want to be remembered that way? I decided I had to go out with a bang. Turning around, I sprinted down the street, mustering all the speed I could. I tackled the person who parked on my mailbox with all of the strength I could muster.
“Paw Paw?” I said. “Get out of the bath tub and take off them socks!”
That’s a Kodak moment! Then I went into the kitchen and baked some West Virginia Cornbread! Eating it with a spoon. It was a dreamy state to be in.
He thought back and wished he could remember all their names, but even more, he wished he could remember where he buried them. He was looking for his money, rubies, and gold. He went into the haunted shack to search for them. Someone snuck behind him and hit him with an axe. When he awoke he realized it was a dream—a very bad dream. Probably something he remembered from a late night movie. Edgar decided a nice cup of chamomile tea would soothe his frazzled nerves. He goes back to bed in his rabbit slippers and WV pants with his pink shirt. As he gets back into bed, his alarm goes off. It was time for him to get up and go to breakfast with his friend John! John and Edgar had been friends since their senior year of high school; they shared a common interest in scary movies. They went to the midnight premier of all the box office sensations, getting the same popcorn deal: a #7 with cherry coke. Little did they suspect that the coke had been spiked with an experimental drug designed to make folks who take it compelled to reveal secrets. So Edgar ended up telling John where the bodies were. What would John do with this information? He had to think about it, so they went into the dark theater and sat in the last row of seats. He then walk away calmly and picked up a phone and disappeared.
Going to the zoo had been the biggest mistake Liese and Levi had ever made. Liese had forced Levi to let her drive, because that’s how it works, and on the way there, she accidentally totaled Levi’s FAB bike. She was dead when they got back, but Levi was unaware of the forces of ferrets that would result in this tragedy at first Levi was extremely sad but then he thought, “Think how powerful I would be if I could harness the power of the almighty narwhal horn!” They discovered some exploding, enchanted goats that ate multicolored bricks. And then a narwhal named Feliciano gave her his magical horn. The magical horn was also multicolored, just like a double rainbow! And then I woke up! What does it mean?
It means I need to travel back to the maritime 5. Halifax is lovely in the summer. Mussels at the waterfront warehouse will be great for my lack fresh seafood in my diet. But for now, COFFEE! If I don’t get moving I will be late to my job at the circus making balloon animals. Then my pet unicorn will starve to death because I’m not making money. Coming home makes me miss all the small town joys of Charleston, like the Salmon patty display on the river every night at midnight. As my days go by, I lift my head to the sky, reality sits in and I realize God is in charge at my life I can’t focus because of the belly dancing . . .
She was as Appalachian as a West Virginia Paw Paw. She liked to wear a sundress and sun glasses.
One day while baking bread, a bird flew in the house.
While trying to catch the bird she covered it with flour.
With caked wings fluttered about the ceiling, landing on top of the curtain rod where it looked all around the room before saying, “Who’s here? Who’s here?”
There was no answer.
There was no question.
The question was answered!
The floured bird chirped and fluttered around and dusted the cake.
It was flying south to Puerto Rico. The bird had friends in old San Juan. A great wintering place except for the local street cats who love to eat birds.
With just a flutter of hope and a flicker of anticipation, she opened the box.
As she looked in with anticipation, she saw a glowing light. With trembling fingers, she reached inside to pluck the source of light.
She drew her hand back as with a hiss. A small dragon hissed at her hand.
The dragon stopped for a moment and noticed she was afraid, so he said, “Don’t be a nerd, because people in this day and age don’t have to fear either dragons or their mothers-in-laws!
He stared at the paper with pen in hand. Sadly, the air conditioning was broken and she was walking out the door. Sabrina stared after her; she was a blonde poodle and needed to be outdoors even more than her human. She decided, “Well, guess I’ll put down the pen, take Sabrina for a walk downtown, see what’s going on at FestivALL Charleston.” The humanity hit him in the face like a bad, bad cumquat.
FestivALL seemed the same as last year until . . . I saw how much MaKenna loved Ellen’s ice cream. She ate a ½ scoop of vanilla and then sang till the balloons popped. She cried so loud that her voice shattered the windows of the ice cream shop. Suddenly, children from all over crawled through the open windows and ate all the raspberry chocolate chip! Then they all went across the streets to Taylor Books to not read, but to steal the pottery so they got away. They disguised themselves as belly dancers and jumped on the river boat. Hot and Sweaty they leaned over the stern and enjoyed the cool, refreshing water. Life is what happens when you’re making other plans. The man who dares. Then a sea monster came from the depths of the Kanawha River and took one of the belly dancers hostage. And as she slowly slid into her ascending colon, she cried, “But who’ll take the mail to Redrock?” Spock arrived. Spock then knows he has to fight the mighty Elmo. The almighty Spock doesn’t care; the mail must be delivered. So with the help of Major John, troop 164 came to the rescue. They then secured the beast with knots they learned from the Boy Scout training. Then the triumphant dancers did a victory dance on the monster’s head. They sliced off his nose. From the hole that was his nose sprang Michael Jackson. Just eat it! Once he ate it . . . he then began to dance around: he he!!
Singing “Jaya Jagadambe Ma Durga! Victory to the Mother Goddess!
May we all live as Free Amazing Fulfilled beings. And may the Earth be blessed forever!
And then she woke up and realized it was all just a sugar induced dream.